Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

I heard this song and it hits home with me. I was in a 10 year relationship with a man who I had a GREAT life with...successful in our relationship, successful in business, successful in everything...then...he got addicted to drugs and everything fell apart. For two years, I went into co-dependency mode constantly trying to "fix" him and get "our" life back - but I was dragged right down with him. Everything was pretty much a downward spiral and all was lost. My life right now is a daily struggle just living day to day - and I fear homelessness every day. It amazes me every day how someone like me who never tried drugs or was addicted to anything in my life can be left to suffer more than the addict themselves. My pain and heartache is and always has been completely exposed...it's not self-medicated at all...so I feel the consequences of his decisions way more than he ever will. He still chases his high every day. He still worries me.

So - when I hear the lyrics...here's what this song means to me:

"I’m alright today, You gonna find a way to cross and you gonna get there..."

(Me saying I'm alright...I've let go of the past...and he's going to find a way to cross and be clean just as I'm going to find a way to cross the next bridge and get to a more secure future without him somehow.)

"I’m on fire today, Ain’t no water here to calm or even put me out..."

(The result of me not self-medicating...there's nothing to easy my pain...therefore, I am feeling all the heartache and the struggles 10-fold.)

"I’ll find a better way, Am I crazy or the wind is gonna blow me down..."

(Trying to stay positive - yet filled with uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring.)

"I’m gonna leave it all out there to dry
I’m gonna leave it all out there..."

(Me saying that I'm done covering up for him...I'm going to leave all the past behind...not let his drama or drama of others affect me.)

"You seem tired today, were you up all night afraid of what the future might bring..."

(Everyone's perspective of me and him, or me to him, or even him to me...)

I feel fine today, I had dreams of you in places I’ve not seen before

("I feel fine today..." is us convincing ourselves and to the world that we do feel fine - but underneath it all...it's a cover-up. The next sentence: "I had dreams of you in places I've not seen before..." are conversational diversion tactics in order to detract people away from the truth behind the lies.)

"You get so carried away, like lovers new to bodies first to touch you here..."

My perception of him getting carried away by drugs and his thrilling addiction to them while I am trying to get him back on track and clean.

"This ain’t a getaway, you build walls around your heart to try to lock it in..."

What's basically happening to me - the feeling how I can't escape or let go - so I have built walls around my heart to help let go and deaden the pain of all my loss...meanwhile - he is building walls with drugs to self-medicate all of his inner pain that was there long before I ever entered into his life.

"And upon the wind it’s carried over the cities and the plains
You got time you’re on the mend babe
And everybody wants the same
Everybody wants the same thing..."

Then entire section encompasses me trying to move on - and time is healing the wounds. For him, is that at times he does want to get clean...but can't. He will have periods of being clean, (i.e. "You are on the mend...") but falls right back into it. The epidemic can't be escaped by moving or running from it since it's everywhere ("across the cities and the plains...". We ("everybody wants the same thing...") both want him to be clean...but he can't get clean. There is no escaping because it is "over the cities and the plains...”

And

"You worry me..."

Me...even though I've forgiven and have moved on ...I will still always think of and worry about him forever. Even if he were to ever get 100% clean and our life returned...he would still always "worry" me.